Having a China Moment

In China, every foreigner will encounter a common phenomenon called “The China Moment”. This is when everything you find odd, strange or amusing about China contrives to ruin your week. What might have been mildly amusing before- an “only-in-China-would-you-see-that” chuckle- actually and literally bites you from behind when you’re not looking. A simple example is the food: we might laugh when we see prawn heads tossed in wan celery, but when it makes you sick later that evening you’re no finding it funny. China gets the last laugh. So I am having one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong in China, is going wrong. But, what a perfect opportunity to blog; at least from this week’s events comes comedy.

So, “only-in-China-do-you-see” these little fellas:

They are dogs everyone. Little fluffy things that are bred to look like teddy bears (or Barbie) and, as a result, they can barely walk, bark or breath especially in the heat we are having. Watching these rats scuttle along the pavement is a daily amusement. Except that.......one chinese dog owner decided to buy a wolf. A real, actual wolf (there is probably a market for them somewhere in China) And when the wolf decided that I was a threat, it tried to attack me. I can only imagine that as I was lying down on the grass at the time it spotted me, my rug of blonde hair might’ve resembled this, a potential enemy:

Except that, I am a human and in this situation I was preeeetty scared when this huge animal began to stalk me. Typically the owner was no where to be seen. It’s China. Of course you would let a wolf off its leash. Well, it is obvious what followed. It went for me and I, panicking (obviously) ran away and left my iPhone on the park bench. By the time I remembered it had gone, someone had stolen it. To the thief that took my iPhone, a couple of notes: the screen is completely broken, but don’t worry it does work; the main button is also broken but if you unlock the phone you’ll see i’ve added a new on-screen button.....wait, my iPhone is hardly a catch, and yet we all say “this is China”: the Chinese can make a use for anything, renovate anything, copy anything and use anything.

In fact, a good example of that was the other night: some friends and I were having a beer by ‘the garden’. Finishing my can I was pretty darn chuffed to be able to throw it, and get it in the bin. Before I had even begun to celebrate, a small Chinese man scuttled out of the bushes, ferreted through the bin, plucked my can out, squashed it then packed it in his sack and ran off. Where.did.he.come.from? Where.did.he.go? Who are you little man? And what am I doing in China?

As I said, we can’t laugh too much at the strange things that happen in China, because these things will- in one go- team up and get you back. So, nightmare number two of the week is this: my sheet has a stain on it because someone dropped their drink on it. The cleaner found this not enormous stain and immediately started shaking it at me and clucking in Chinese. In these situations all you usually have to do is this:

“wo bu zhi dao; wo ting bu dong; bu hao yisi; ni hao; ni hao ma; wo bu hui shuo hanyu...”

 In other words: “ I don’t understand; i didn’t get you; I’m afraid; I’m sorry; hello: how are you?; I don’t speak Chinese.”

Said in quick succession, this will usually make the cleaner go away. Today however she wouldn’t let it go. And she asked me, after my performance, whether I could speak Chinese.

“No” is the simple answer.

She eyed me very carefully.

“What nationality are you?”

Did she suspect that I was just putting it on? That under my white hair wig was a crop of Chinese black hair? Yes, a very cunning disguise to escape blame for the dirty sheets.

Well she settled to let me clean the sheets myself. Great. Except that there is no hot water to wash clothes so her solution was (intentionally) pretty limited. I mean OBVIOUSLY there is no hot water to wash your clothes with, it’s China! So the next day she was back to check my sheets. Unsurprisingly the stain had still not gone. And the day after that she came back again, this time pulling apart my bed to discover the stain had gone right the way through the pitiful excuse for a mattress.

“Can you speak Chinese?” she asked again.

Nope, nope I’m really sorry. Funnily enough, I STILL can’t speak Chinese.

“Are you English?”

Why? WHY? Do I look Chinese?

Well the battle of minds and languages rages on, not least because they now want to charge me an extortionate amount for grotty sheets, but also because they have just replaced my old sheets with dirty ‘new’ ones. And everyday the cleaner comes in, stares at me, chats Chinese at me for about ten minutes, and then, when its clear that I still can’t speak Chinese, that I still am really English, she leaves me in an angry huff. I sense this episode is not over.

(...and as I type there is a knock at my door....the usual script- “I still don’t speak Chinese; I am still English”- but today, the cleaner comes armed with half the inhabitants of my corridor. So five of us stand in my room and she asks them all “do you speak English?”. They all do, but here’s the thing she hasn’t yet grasped we need an English-Chinese speaker. So I have a collection of internationals standing in my room- which has underwear and general mess sprawled all over the floor, unideal- whilst she goes through her usual protocol: “what nationality are you?” She’s a curious creature.  Oh and fuwuyuan (cleaner) I’m still English.)

So the prospect of replacing iPhones, sheets, and more is not exactly delightful, I am indeed having a China moment this week. 

When it doesn't pay to be polite.

On Friday I went out for dinner with a couple of friends. The party was split 3:2 Koreans to Europeans so we decided to go for a Korean Barbecue. In the middle of the table is a grill and you order your meat and vegetables, which are then cooked at your table. The meal comes with a variety of sources, dips and dressings that you dip the food into. All very nice, all very successful: it was amazing to eat meat that was recognisable and that hadn't been subjected to the Chinese spice shaker. Now, the guys also ordered a typical Korean drink to go with our meal. It comes in a small bottle, and is like a sweet wine that you drink from shot glasses. We poured the first round. All very good. We poured the second. I was the first to be offered so, being the polite, annoyingly apologetic British person that I am I said,
"No, no, you first."
The guys exchanged glances, and then there was some complicated juggling of glasses and bottles as the bottle changed hands. Now my other friend served the one who had initially offered me the drink. When it got to me again, I said,
"No, no, after you!" to the raised eyebrows of Emma (Spanish) who, having lived in London for a couple of years, knows the country's inexhaustible and pointless manners.
Now, at this point there are more concerned looks shot across the table between the Koreans, and glasses are put down, switched around, bottles handed over, until someone else serves the guy who tried to serve me. And so this ridiculous musical bottles continues with every round of bottle pouring. I didn't think anything of it. In the UK "after you" are the first words you learn after "mum" and "dad". Two people can cause a queue because the're stuck holding the doors open for each other, both saying "after you". In fact, we queue because we appreciate that we are "after" the person in front of us; no "me first", free for all. So, clearly I didn't think I was being anything other than polite when quite automatically the words "after you" escaped my mouth with every offer of drink.
Until, after the third or fourth time the bottle was passed over, one of my friends laughed and said,
"You realise in Korea it's rude to serve yourself?"
So, 'my manners' had been the cause of this ridiculous charade; not only that, by being 'polite' I was actually pushing them to be rude. Hence, the awkward faces, the quick shuffling of bottles and the switching of glasses. One country's manners are another's rude habits. It doesn't always pay to be polite.

Continuing from last week then, I've got a couple more 'random oddities and strange sightings of the inexperienced traveller' to fill you in on, and hopefully give you an idea of what I do on a day to day basis:

1) The gym: China, we need to talk about this. So classes end at 12, I do my work in the afternoon (which usually involves learning 30/40 words and forgetting 50) then go to the gym before supper. The gym is heaving with people; but these are not your usual gym bunnies people. These are hoards of girls (usually) who come to exercise wearing jeans, skirts...whatever....and then they walk, yes they walk, at a fairly leisurely pace on the cross trainer whilst reading a book or watching a film. I'm not sure I get it. If someone could explain, I'd be grateful. If there's a way to get fit which doesn't involve sweating, then China please let me know. That said, you got to be careful if you're exercising *properly*. My running pace really depends on the song I'm listening to, and on Friday I had an absolute cracker of a tune. So good was it that I ended up swinging my arms so much that I whacked the emergency stop button and went flying into the machine. Maybe I should stick to walking...

2) China fashion: don't do it, don't buy it, don't wear it. Pink fluffy shoes with hello kitty cats on them is not right for a girl in her twenties. No, no, no who told you that a Mario hat with giant wings looked good? Why the leopard print, the zebra print and all the tassels- are you responsible for the extinction of  the mammoth? The depleting number of polar bears. That said, my friend was telling me that in China it is fashionable to be 'cute'. Maybe it sort of makes sense then.

3) Always give an emphatic no- you might just end up with a cuddly Asian telling you he loves you on day one. There are cultural differences. Stalkers are everywhere friends. In fact I was crossing the road the other day and I met a potential. The roads here in China are almost as bad as India, but these ones are cheekier: the green man will flash and lure you into the middle of the road, but no one tells you the traffic lights are only for cars going straight ahead. Therefore, if you're used to thinking green man means go, you must ignore it and go with your senses. Consequently, road crossing a 6 lane mega highway is a marathon and often you have to perch between lanes and bend out of the way of crazy taxi drivers. It was in this compromised state of safety that I was approached by potential stalker number 1004.
"Hello, hello, what is your name? Don't be scared why I talk to you, I just want your friendship. Don't be afraid."
Well stalker number 1004, what you don't realise is I'm well versed in the chat up lines of fellows like you and I've heard this one before. I am afraid, your reassurance does not reassure me. As a result I ended up leaping across the remaining four lanes, dodging angry taxis as I went. Kudos to him though for picking his stalker location well. As I turned around he went back to the pavement where I started, probably to wait for the next strange white albino stuck in the middle of a Beijing road.

4) Sense of humour does not translate, especially if your class is made up of 20:2 Europeans to Asia. When in class and you're asked to do a presentation on your family, do not create a slide show presentation with 'comedic' pictures of your parents with fake bears stuck to their faces. Everyone will take you deadly seriously. Someone even said, "ah, your family look very British". Do they now.

5) Your nose will be tested with the extremities of smell. In China if you keep it in, its bad. So everything must be let out. Use your imagination and add to that the fact that that includes not using deodorant. Deodorant blocks sweat and smell that should be let out apparently. Consequently if you need to buy the stuff you have to go to a Western supermarket and ask an assistant to show you to the security locked glass case where a couple bottles are usually kept. Makes for a delicious tube experience with everyone all pushed up next to each other.

Finally, the weather is getting better here in Beijing. Apparently Spring doesn't really exist so we have graduated from minus temperatures and snow last week to the temperatures in the twenties this week. Hello summer.

What exactly is normal?

I have just watched a film that contains strong sex, language, nudity and drug usage. It was about two Buddhists battling it out to see who would be the greatest in the land. The hero's secret tactic? Soy beans.

At least, that's the understanding you get by watching the subtitles. The film's actual title? 'War Horse', which Wikipedia describes as a "beautiful adaptation of a children's literature favourite", and the IMBd summarise as a film about "Young Albert [who] enlists to serve in World War I after his beloved horse is sold to the cavalry." Now, this is either some subversive porn, or someone has been a little absent minded whilst translating the script (or both? Quite possibly both). Somehow, someone in China has managed to turn 'War Horse' into a crack-out tale about spiritual horses on heat. As one military man proudly displays his stallion to his rival officer he talks vehemently (and the subtitles say): "This is the finest Buddhist in all the land...Here lassy [also incorrectly translated], take this soy bean!" Substitute the word 'horse' for 'Buddhist' and every food reference in the film as 'soy bean' and voila, you have a plot that even Tim Burton would think was crack out. Why the film (rated 12A) comes with the warning that it does, I'm yet to find out; but what I will say is this: you can sort of tell from the beginning that a film about horses, set and shot in the quaint and peaceful surrounds of Devon, wont exactly be crawling with over-sexed actors, dropping swear words like rappers, whilst swapping their favourite fixes to the tune of Dick Dale and His Del Tones (and by way of comparison, this is what everybody's favourite Buddhist horse chews grass to.) . I don't know, it's just a hunch...

But, this is China and nothing happens quite as you would expect. Anyone can find an alternative way to do things, even if this means being a little sly. Copying Box Office films and selling them for 10p is just an example, but it's important to note that there are no copyright laws in China. Therefore, almost everything you buy will be a copy, or a fake if you're not careful. Now, a great example of how to do things 'Chinese style' or differently is this: 

Picture yourself in the new role as canteen cleaner. Ok, it's not a cheerful job (believe me its worse than usual because here, if you don't like something it's ok to give it a good chew and swill it about in your mouth, before spitting it on the table) but there are perks if you chose to create them. So, Mr cleaner if we accept this, it's ok to stand underneath the 'No smoking' sign with a fag drooping out of your mouth whilst nonchalantly whacking the tables with a cloth. We had been wondering why, when so many people smoked in the dining hall, the staff didn't stop them. If you can't beat them, join them or, more likely, don't reprimand someone for something you also indulge in. 

But, actually, today's post is also to talk about the mundane, the ordinary, and the day-to-day stuff. Weeks have flown by and there has been little opportunity to do the sorts of things I'd consider 'blog-worthy', so I'm going to try and extract some of my 'normal' experiences that I take for granted as being 'normal' here in China. My day begins at 6.30am because classes start at 8am. At 7.40am, the university migrates from the West of the campus to the East where the classes are held. This, in itself is quite a sight: its still barely above 0 degrees here (!), and girls still manage to don invisible shorts with yellow polka dot tights; you're token 'cool lads' zip past on pink or yellow scooters (I mean it); and huddles of Chinese girls slowly negotiate their legs and get them to walk in straight lines. Classes run from 8am until 12pm, with ten minute breaks every 50 minutes. And, how do we learn here in China? Why, with good old repetition and name and shame exercises. And if you don't follow these rules, you will have the finest Buddhist in the land after you with their soy beans. 

I'll try to update this a little more often with some more 'day-to-day' stuff. If you're lucky, I may sit by my computer for the 20 hours it'll take to upload some photos over the internet here. 

A couple of final observations:

- Did you know that Beijing is one of the driest cities in the world? And when there hasn't been rain for a while, the government simply pump some into the sky. The 'fake rain' is identifiable by its consistent down flow and the fact that the government time the shower to fall over the hours of darkness when fewer people are outside. True fact. Also true, if you cause it to rain in minus degree temperatures, it dumps as thick, heavy snow. Unideal #ThankyouChina.

- As you may or may not have seen from my facebook status, the government switched the heating off today. I'm keeping the curtains drawn and jumpers are on. Very odd that someone else can control the heater in my room. Very unfortunate when it is still frickin cold. #ThankyouChina.

Well, at least we can all laugh about it.....

So I have dutifully sat by my lap top for the 30 minutes it takes to upload two photos. I didn't have the heart to wait another 15 minutes to change the orientation of the second. However, this paints an amusing picture of the fire 'incident'. Maybe at the weekend I'll have the will power to sit by my lap top and upload some general photos!

Safety Tips

Readers and readettes, I wanted to follow on from yesterday's post with an update that has just been brought to me by the kind staff here at the university. In case you didn't already know:

"In the early hours of March 10th, 2012, a fire broke out in one of the dorm rooms on the 6th floor of the building."

Ah, so that was what all the smoke was about! Wow, I thought someone was just making some toast! The wonderfully informative letter continues:

"Thanks to timely measures there was no casualty."

Ah, see, now tell me. What was timely? The slow fire engine? The NON EXISTENT fire alarm, or the phone call from my friend telling me to get out of the building? This sentence so so delightfully belief, the words cheerful and...almost...self-congratulatory. 

"The fire broke out when the South Korean lit a candle."

This is frankly bizarre. Firstly, as my other friend pointed out (yes, I know! I have two! One saves me from fire; the other makes jokes. An excellent team.): what is the relevance of the nationality here? Do Koreans have a penchant for candles? Is that their woo-ing technique when they want to get cosy with a partner? Is the fact that the person was South Korean meant to be self-explanatory. Well that's great, at least I'll be able to identify the felon; the nasty, candle-lighting South Korean felon...at least I know to look out for a black haired Asian carrying tea lights. I wont even begin to question how one candle started the fire (must have been a bad date.....)

The letter advises me to look after my "fire-fighting facilities". These are non-existent. And how exactly do I "take care" of a fire fighting facility? Jeeze, mr alarm, did I not treat you right? Did I always ignore you when I sat in my room? Should I polish you from now onwards, and everyday hereafter?

Finally, the letter ends on some excellent health and safety tips, so everyone pay attention!

- "DO NOT use fire of any kind in your room." (Beijing Uni fire council to accomodation staff: "after careful consideration, we have decided to add the words 'of any kind'. This, we feel, will clear up any previous misunderstandings, and prevent further fires of any kind." Even candle-lighting Koreans will need to pay attention to this one. PHEW, I'm glad someone told us not to light fires in our room.)

- "DO NOT smoke on your bed or litter cigarette butts." (YES, That's right, you can smoke anywhere you want, just not your bed! Ah poor little candle-lighting Korean: no longer can he woo his lover by candle light; no longer can he light up in bed.)

Well everyone, my confidence has been completely restored in the team here at University. Thank God I've got this Fire committee onto the case of fire health and safety tips! 

I'll end my post on a slightly cheerier note, and that is that, when I escaped my toxic fumed and sooty bedroom yesterday (only to return to it last night in the same state) me, my two friends, and some more friends went to a famous food market in Wangfujin. Wan is situated just to the East of Tian'an men Sq and the famous night market is down a small side alley that is colourfully lit by hundreds of lanterns (FIRE HAZARD).  The food, however, is probably famous for the wrong reasons. On each stall you can sample the following:

- Seahorse on a stick. Yes friends, these beautiful, cute little creatures that are treasured by the UK are served on sticks to literally any man on the street. 

-Snake on a stick. These poor fellows have had a stick pushed down their entire length.

- Starfish on a stick. HUGE starfish on a stick. You know the ones: people like to display them on their bathroom shelves, to bring a superficial taste of the sea side to their suburban hutches. These ones were rather limp and very sad looking.

- Bat on a stick. mmm, and they splay out his wings to make him look extra tasty.

- Grubs and centipedes, by the stick or for variety, in a pot!

- Scorpions, real live scorpions on sticks. These poor little critters were flexing their claws and tails as if to say "To be or not to be, that is the question?" Well one man's meat is another man's poison. 

This was, at least, a welcome break from the surreal morning we all had yesterday. 

Hello everyone. I'm going to begin today's blog with a small scene setter.

Cast your mind back to when you are learn a language for the first time. Often the first phrases you learn are:
"Hello, how are you?"
"What is your name?"
To add to your vocabulary, you are then equipped with scenario phrases which are usually superfluous, useless, and wouldn't be said in daily practice. This is one of the first conversations I was made to learn last week:
"Duibuqi" [sorry/ excuse me]
"Mei guanxi" [don't worry]
"Xie xie" [thank you]
"Bu keqi" [you're welcome]
"These phrases", I told a fellow class mate, "are the sort you don't need to put hours into memorising. They'll come with practice and can otherwise be forgotten."

This morning friends I woke up at 6.30 to pop to the toilet. I sort of slept walked to the toilet, eyes half closed, then went immediately back to sleep. At 7.00am I was aware that a few doors were being opened and closed, but everyday the cleaners come in and out of rooms to do their work and they make as much noise as that everyday. This morning, I had my "please do not disturb sign" displayed on my door so I ignored the noise and tried to go back to sleep. At 7.30am my mobile rang. I was in part half awake because of the noise anyway, so I decided to pick it up; more to see why anyone would call me at this time.
Tapi:" Where are you?"
Imogen: "Hello Tapi, I'm asleep."
Tapi: "WHY ARE YOU ASLEEP? GET OUTSIDE THERE'S A FIRE. DON'T USE THE LIFT."
Ah, so the slightly strange smell of burning plastic wasn't part of the fabric of strange China smells, it was actually my accommodation block on fire. And my vision at 6.30am wasn't just bleary with sleep, it was also blurred by the first wafts of smoke filtering into my room.

Ok. So at first I was mildly amused by the fact that there was a fire. In England, if there's a fire it is usually that someone's over zealous kettle has set off the alarm and everyone troops outside to line up and be registered. Ok. So I got out of bed picked up my hoody and my keys. Then I realised that there was quite a lot of smoke in my room. And here's where the Imogen inner voice that I introduced you all to in India kicked in.
"Imogen, don't they usually tell you just to leave as quickly as you can?"
"Yeah, but Imogen I'm not wearing a bra."
"Yeah, but Imogen there's smoke coming in your room."
"I could just grab my lap top though? Oh, wow, there's actually smoke."
"Yes, there's actually smoke."
"This is actually a fire then."
"Yes this is actually a fire."
So I grabbed my hoody, shoes and keys and opened my door to a corridor that was black with smoke.
Sleep Imogen says "Ah, an actual fire." and I contemplated to myself, "Gosh, I wonder if I'll be any good at this fire escape business in a state of emergency. Well, let's find out..."

You see readers, we've all seen the videos at primary school, we've all been through numerous fire drills, but luckily we haven't (and fingers crossed no one will ever need to) had to actually do the real thing. This, it turns out as with everything so far, is a lot harder to put into practice in China. For a start, DO I NEED TO ADD 'do not disturb, UNLESS THERE IS A FIRE?' to my door tag? DO I? Because there were no fire alarms, no sprinkles, and NO members of staff, NO ONE who knocked on my door to tell me:
"Oh by the way, there is a fire on the fifth floor, and you're on the ninth." Hilarious.
And there was no one to tell me what on earth to do when the corridor is so black with smoke you can't see the fire escape. So, I fumbled my way forwards, pushing doors which were open (OBVIOUSLY none of the doors are fire doors here, OBVIOUSLY) until at last I got to the stairs. Hm, pretty suspicious. More smoke seems to be coming from the stair well, BUT this is my only exit so I pushed forwards.

I went down two flights of stairs before the smoke was too hot, black and difficult to breath. It was at the point that I exited the FIRE ESCAPE on the 8th floor that sleepy Imogen said,
"Ah, this is an actual fire, you're immediate escape is actually not working. PANIC."
And that is when I realised I was no good at this whole emergency fire escape business. I started shouting in the corridor and walking in the vague direction of the lift before a member of staff heard me, found me AND SAID:
"mei guanxi, mei guanxi."
I HAVEN'T COME ALL THE WAY TO CHINA TO LEARN "DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY" ONLY SO I CAN PUT IT INTO PRACTICE WHEN I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE A BUILDING THAT IS ON FIRE. Hilarious. The ONLY bit of Chinese I've understood so far is a phrase I cast off as 'useless', and I'm thinking to myself "oh that means don't worry". I AM WORRYING.

I am delighted to say that she lead me to another stair well where I was left to take a deep breath and walk down past the floor which was on fire and outside. I am even more delighted to say that the fire engines turned up 40 MINUTES LATER and they FILMED (THEY FILMED) the windows which had thick black smoke coming out of them, before they actually went in to sort anything out. A couple hours later, everyone but those living on the 5th and 6th floor were let back in. I went back to my room to see the damage. I am typing through a layer of ash on my lap top. Everything is covered. I went into the bathroom. To THINK I was sat quietly, happily on the toilet at 6.30am blissfully unaware that there was any real commotion, least of all a fire. I look like a panda because my face is black, and my hair is also blackened. What to do? Sit and wait for cleaners I suppose OR better still, do it myself. Whether is cleaning your own room, OR being your own fire alarm (a job I failed), it seems you can't leave much to the Chinese staff here.

It has left me a little concerned that I can sleep through plastic fumes and the stench of smoke, but I was extremely tired. I'm more concerned there don't appear to be any fire alarms.
"Mei Guanxi?" I don't think so.

Stalkers, Odd balls and ballads.

This seems to be the theme of my week so far. Although the week is still not over, so everything could change (I hope, I hope!) That said, I have just brushed by teeth for the third time today to try and scrub the rank taste of seaweed from my mouth: yes, the actual large, floppy floating green stuff you picture in the sea; not the neatly packages wafers that wrap sushi. I tried and I tried to convince myself that it really wasn't that bad, but actually I felt like I was licking the scale of a live fish or giving it a good snog.

Moving on! To stalkers... yes friends, I've got one. We shall call him 'Tin' (not far off the English name he chose for himself). Now, in the context of 'first week of university, let's continually swapping numbers with new people', this Tin fellow was just another 'number' in my new Chinese mobile. This, however, is what happens if you let harmless Tins have your number:

Day 1:
Tin: Hello AiMaiZen [my Chinese name], pleased to meet you -^^- [mountains? Boobs? Ah...of course, happy eyes].
Me: Nice to meet you too [who is this?].
Tin: We'll meet. I'm expecting..... [what?]
Me: I'm very busy learning Chinese.
Tin: I'm very good at letting foreigners know everything about China...
[Me: no reply, OBV].
Day 2:
Tin: Hi, could I meet you tonight? ;) [Clearly not. What was it about my no reply that suggest I would?].
Several hours pass.
Tin: So tonight?
Me: I'm busy with my friends.
Tin: Ok, tomorrow night? ;) [Again, the winky face. Pal, its not going to work.]
Me: I'm having drinks with my boyfriend.
Tin: Ok, thanks. [PHEW, the end?]
Tin: I'm experimenting on teaching the beginner, so.....
[Me: no reply]
Tin: ....using completely different Chinese theory ;)
Tin: You must learn Chinese well. [ Oh hi Yoda. What is he on?]
Me: As I said before, no thanks.
Tin: Haha [IS it funny?] you make take you're way if you want, but I'm very good. By the way, I'm interested in learning English ;) [ As IF that's going to make it any better? As IF I'm going to teach you]
[Me: no reply].
Day 3:
Tin: Hi, this is 'Tin', I recommend you something...[he goes on. As if  I forgot who you were weird Tin man, as if I forgot who you were].
[Me:  no reply]
Tin: I know you're a little confused why I help you. [Ah, so you're beginning to suspect your behaviour is not socially acceptable. Very intuitive] You misunderstand me. I just passionate about foreigners. [Stop there Tin man, just stop here!]
[ME: NO REPLY]
20 minutes later
Tin: Of course you may teach me English [I never offered!!] Make me better ;) [Eugh] Thanks for reading my texts [Tin, you have no idea...]
Tin: missed call.
Day 4:
Tin: missed call.
Me: Thanks but [NO THANKS] please don't contact me again.

Success? I'll keep you updated. So far so good. No Tin texts or calls. BUT the strange behaviour doesn't end here. Today I was walking past some Chinese boys chatting a way and suddenly one broke out in a perfect James Blunt rendition, accent, pinched winey voice and all. Then, as I turned (quickly) away, he stopped suddenly and went back to chatting to his friend.
AND, the other day, I was with a *new* American friend when a Chinese girl suddenly turned round to my friend and said [add Chinese accent]:
"I know you!"
American: "er, no you don't"
"yas, yas I do!"
American: "preetty sure you don't"
"Is me, Is me, remember me?"
A: "Nope, sorry!"
"Ah, you must forget, look at my face..." (Chinese girl leans in front of us and puts her face extremely close to American girl's)
It went on, would you believe, for a good five minutes. In fact for the rest of our journey together, the Chinese girl trotted along besides us laughing hysterically at almost anything the American girl said.

Now, what is going on here? It is quite possibly the food. Or is it the fact that the Chinese word for 'friend'- pengyou- is also the same word for 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'. Ok, you can add a few words-'de' for example- to clarify exactly which relationship you're referring to, but it's otherwise a pretty vague boundary.
OR, maybe we should all adopt their tactics and walk up to someone we'd kind of like to know and just insist, relentlessly that we know them. Do it to a British person and they'll probably be too polite to say no. Score. What a way to collect 'pengyou's...or 'de pengyou's....or do I mean 'pengyous'? Both? Lots of both? TinTin would say: why not?